Witches and Runners and Hitmen, Oh My!

Two true stories about runners, a fairy tale mash-up and a mob heist movie are in the works. I review them before they even start shooting.

HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS – Fifteen years ago they killed the witch who kidnapped them. Now they’re full time bounty hunters in pursuit of witches. Two-time Oscar nominee Jeremy Renner plays Hansel, with Gemma Arterton as his sister, Gretel. Starts shooting in March in Berlin. Will Ferrell and his buddies are producing.

@@@ – Coming on the heels of ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER, the title makes me want to cringe and lop some points off for unoriginality, but I actually like the plot description. I think it could work. Then I get to the part about Will Ferrell producing and I shudder with cringeworthy memories of the LAND OF THE LOST misfire. The idea doesn’t sound like it will work as a comedy at all.

UNBROKEN – True story of Louis Zamperini, a 1936 Olympic athlete and WWII Air Force bombardier who survived a crash only to be captured by the Japanese and put in a POW camp. Universal acquired the film rights to “Seabiscuit” author Laura Hillenbrand‘s best selling book.

@@@ – Reviews and buzz about the book are what interested me the most, but not enough to motivate me to actually read the thing, so now I get to sit back and wait for the movie. Score!

THE ROBBER – Sony’s English language remake of Austrian thriller about a real-life marathon runner Johann Kastenberger who made a hobby of robbing banks.

@@ – Nothing more than a minor item of human interest on a local news telecast. Runner robbed banks. Don’t see how that’s supposed to be thrilling. Doesn’t thrill me. And what an unimaginative and nondescript title.

COGAN’S TRADE – A “professional enforcer” investigates a heist that takes place during a mob-protected poker game. Brad Pitt stars as the man behind the hitman, reteaming with his ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES writer-director Andrew Dominik.

@@ – Everyone will act tough, there will be guns, betrayal, gruesome murders, nothing we haven’t seen before. The pacing of their Jesse James opus doesn’t fill me with confidence that this won’t also be a yawner.