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January 28, 2011 / TerranceTheTrailerTrasher

Cuban Cigars, Stephen King, Elton John and Dismemberment

Four movies that shouldn’t be made but for some reason, they are.

ANNA IN THE TROPICS – A family of Cuban cigar rollers in a Tampa, Florida cigar factory during the Great Depression have their lives changed forever by the power of literature. Based on a play being adapted by PRECIOUS director Lee Daniels. (The production company is also working on a biopic of CASTRO’S DAUGHTER.)

@ – There really isn’t a single element of this story that sounds like something I would want to see. The Depression era is depressing. I would never hang out in a cigar factory, so I have no interest in spending two hours with a family of cigar rollers. And the life-transforming power of literature is not visual. In fact, its message will probably be that we don’t get as much out of movies as we could from books. So the filmmaker should just write this story as a book. It sounds like a TV movie to me.

FIRESTARTER – Universal and the Dino De Laurentis Co. are rebooting the 1984 Drew Barrymore starrer based on the Stephen King novel to start a new franchise. About a little girl who has the power to start fires with her mind or something. Not out to directors yet, they hope to go into production this year.

@ – Not one of King’s best works, spawning one terrible movie and a rightly ignored made-for-TV sequel. The best thing about the original was the Tangerine Dream score. A better movie can be made from this, but they need to first set fire to the dream of torturing us with a string of future sequels, because it definitely won’t be that good.

PRIDE AND PREDATOR – Retelling of the Jane Austen story with a sci-fi twist. From executive producer Elton John. Expected to go into production by the second quarter of 2011.

@ – What’s the point, rocket man? I’m not looking forward to Mike White’s PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES any more than this. If he’s too lazy to come up with original material, why not cannibalize his music catalog and make movies out of “Crocodile Rock” or “Captain Fantastic”? Or perhaps “Rock of…

THE WESTIES – Mob tale about Irish-American gang aligned with Gambino crime family in the 1970s in Hell’s Kitchen. Racketeering, murder and dismemberment are promised. Based on a book from two decades ago.

@ – Thanks, Martin Scorsese. We still have filmmakers imitating all your wiseguy movies. Nothing new to bring to a story like this. Just the promise of more bloodshed. It’s not much different from porn. The story never changes, but the fans just want to see another money shot anyway. Doesn’t interest me.

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