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July 22, 2010 / TerranceTheTrailerTrasher

Special Edition

So far we’ve been reviewing movies without seeing them. Now I’m going to kick it up a notch and review movies that haven’t been made yet.

These have all been announced in the last week or so.

LOOSIES – A pickpocket is confronted by an old one-night stand who is pregnant with his child. Written by and starring Peter Facinelli from TWILIGHT. Cast includes Jaimie Alexander (THOR), William Forsythe, Joe Pantoliano, Michael Madsen, Vincent Gallo.

@@ – Everyone from TWILIGHT is enjoying the ability to get any movie they want made, except for Kristen Stewart, who is set on making a prison movie in which she’ll play a man. So maybe there is a filter on what the Twilight gang can get away with. Maybe the LOOSIES script is decent. I hope so. The cast doesn’t wow me. I never thought KNOCKED UP was an original premise. Premise-wise, LOOSIES is the same, but with a pickpocket. It will all depend on tone. Will know more when I see a trailer.

LOL: LAUGHING OUT LOUD – English-language remake of a hit French comedy with the same writer-director as the original. A 15-year-old girl is dumped by her more sexually experienced boyfriend, then sets her sights on his best friend. Starring Miley Cyrus. With Demi Moore as her 40-year-old divorced mom struggling to move on with her life and Marlo Thomas as her grandmother.

@ – Hearing the original was a hit makes me curious to see the original and dreading what a Miley Cyrus might do to ruin it, especially after she and her mom made such idiotic changes to tame down the original, commissioned script Nicholas Sparks delivered for her last movie, THE LAST SONG.

UNSCRUPULOUS – Political thriller based on the 1980 book “The Ohio Gang” about the Warren Harding administration, said to be the most scandal plagued administration in history. Producer William Rabbe bought the rights but has not yet hired a writer to adapt the script.

@@@@ – I love US history, especially the periods that are not talked about that much. Sounds like this is one of those cases where we’ll see our political present mirrored in a little-known part of our political past. Very anxious to see how this develops.

I’M.MORTAL – Sci-fi action thriller from Andrew Niccol (GATTICA, THE TRUMAN SHOW). In a society where aging stops at 25, time becomes currency. People buy and bank time after their aging gene is turned off. The rich can live forever. But those who run out of time are engineered to die automatically. The story revolves around a rebel from the ghetto who is falsely accused of murdering a wealthy man for his time. The suspect goes on the lam with a hostage (played by Amanda Seyfried).

@@@@ – While a LOGAN’S RUN remake is taking its sweet ass time getting made, this original take on escaping forced death from an un-aging world sounds just as cool. More cool, in fact. We won’t be comparing it to a 1976 movie, or a book. We’ll be able to just let a new story take us where it wants to go. Can’t wait.

UNTITLED MOVIE ABOUT BESTSELLING AUTHOR DEAN KOONTZ’S DOG – The dog is a golden retriever named Trixie. The script will be written by Stephanie Fitch Groff. Feature rights purchased by producer Ralph Winter (X-MEN).

@ – Apparently, if you already have some level of marketability in one field, your dog can author a bestselling series of children’s books, brand 33 products at Petsmart, and be the basis of a feature film franchise. One day someone will option movie rights for a bestseller written by Jay Leno’s toenail clippings.

ARCHANGELS – Described as a Bourne-style movie with a sci-fi twist. A covert group of secret agents battle aliens secretly living among us. Joseph Kosinski (TRON: LEGACY) is attached to direct the spec script by first-time writer Andrew Will, which was bought by New Regency last year. The Scott brothers (Ridley and Tony) are involved in the development.

@@@ – Bourne may be the style, but the twist sounds an awful lot like MEN IN BLACK. If it’s too Bourne-ish, I’ll probably be bored. At first I was attracted by the title, but I’m not sure if the archangels are the agents or the aliens. A lot also depends on the cast. So far it sounds like it’s got a chance.

UNTITLED JOHN EDWARDS BIOPIC – Based on the book by Andrew Young, who admitted — then recanted — having an affair with Edwards’ mistress and claimed Edwards’ love child as his own. The property was optioned by “West Wing” creator Aaron Sorkin, who plans to make this his feature directing debut.

@@@ – Sorkin’s a good writer. I don’t like stuff that’s too political, but salacious, gossipy political, in the hands of a good writer, should be pretty fun.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY – Four suburban moms decide to take a road trip for mother’s day. A Walden Media executive hatched the idea, then approached Nia Vardalos (MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING) to conjure up a script and star in it. They hope to be in production by the end of the year.

@ – Please, stop. Don’t go any further with this project. No doubt they hatched the idea after watching VALENTINE’S DAY. Ugggggggh! It’s bad enough we’re also going to have VD sequel NEW YEAR’S EVE foisted on us next year. This could not possibly turn out good, even if they didn’t pick one of the most overrated writers to execute it.

LARRY CROWNE – A middle-aged man decides to reinvent himself by going back to college. Co-written by Tom Hanks and Nia Vardalos. Starring Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts.

@ – Enough with Nia Vardalos. I thought we got rid of her after her big fat follow-up to WEDDING tanked. The premise was sufficiently covered by the Rodney Dangerfield comedy BACK TO SCHOOL. Obviously Hanks and Vardalos won’t be going for the same tone. Their version will be much more syrupy and touchy-feely. Blecccchhh!

FRAGMENT – A reality show discovers a terrifying new species of animals on a remote South Pacific island. The species has been evolving in isolation for 600 million years. Their ecosystem is lethal enough to wipe out the rest of earth. Scientist must decide whether to sterilize the island or save the creatures. Based on last month’s bestselling novel by first-time author Warren Fahy, who will adapt the script.

@@@ – Everything about this gives me high hopes except for the fact that the discovery is made by a reality show crew. I hope to hell this is not done in “found footage” style like CLOVERFIELD. If it is, I vote they sterilize the filmmakers.

WORLD WAR X – A man is recruited by the government to stop a terrorist from the future who is using time travel to reshape history. Joel Silver and Benderspink are developing this for Warner Bros.

@@@ – I’m a sucker for time travel. I even enjoyed TIMECOP, to which this sounds somewhat similar, despite the fact that I’m not normally into Jean-Claude Van Damme. If this ends up looking like a Van Damme-type vehicle, I’ll lose interest in its future.

100 CUPBOARDS – A 12 year old discovers an old farmhouse that harbors mysterious cupboards leading to worlds and dangers beyond his imagination. From a trilogy of fantasy books released in 2007.

@@ – Let’s see… what’s similar to a wardrobe? I got it! A cupboard! Will there be lions and witches in this cupboard? No, it won’t be that derivative. It will probably be tigers and, uh, warlocks. That’s it. How original! Still, if it doesn’t have the religious baggage the C.S. Lewis books were burdened with, it might actually be better. But it will never be first.

– Terrance the Trailer Trasher

Which ones are you most excited about? Which do you think should have the plug pulled right now? Leave a comment. And come back tomorrow when Michael and I review the trailer for “Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps.”

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